


Five Stages of Grief and What Comes Next

by msMynx



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abandonment, Clint Barton & Loki Friendship, Domestic Violence, Families of Choice, Five Stages of Grief, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Murder-Suicide, Past Child Abuse, Past Domestic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:56:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28539219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msMynx/pseuds/msMynx
Summary: Grief is a funny thing. It comes and goes at its own pace and can take its own sweet time to process.Sometimes it takes a long time to get to the place where you can see what comes after it.This is Loki's journey.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Loki, Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	Five Stages of Grief and What Comes Next

**Author's Note:**

> See end notes for details.
> 
> Please let me know if there are tags I need to add.  
> Much thanks to [Arya Greenleaf ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arya_Greenleaf/pseuds/Arya_Greenleaf)for the beta because, without her, I'd still be pulling out my hair and editing.  
> 

Loki stood just outside the doorway, listening to the group inside. He couldn’t imagine anything that could make him more unsettled: all those stupidly happy people on the other side of the door. Would they all look at him and know instantly that he was an imposter in their midst? Could they tell his life was a carefully crafted façade, torn apart and tossed as easily as the wrapping that graced the gifts under the tree? Leaning his head against the door jam, he contemplated turning around and leaving. It would be so much easier to go back, even as he thought about just how far he had come to get this.

********************

Denial

It is still early evening when the yelling starts. Well, relatively early. Anything past eight o’clock is past his bedtime, but Loki knows that for adults and other big kids it is still early. But he also knows that tomorrow is Christmas and his mama said only good boys get presents for Christmas and since he is a good boy, he went to bed without a fuss.

He can hear the pounding on the apartment door and knows what he needs to do. He and mama had played games like this since they first moved into the apartment a few months ago. Mama had told him if he ever heard pounding like before again to grab Mr. Snuggles, hide and be quiet as a teeny tiny mouse. Well, actually, she just said hide and be quiet. But if he didn’t have Mr. Snuggles, he might be scared and unable to be quiet, so he had to bring Mr. Snuggles with him. They had played that game a lot, but it wasn’t scary then.

It  _ is _ scary now.

Loki creeps out of his bedroom, into the hallway of the apartment. Peering around the corner, he can just make out his mother huddled next to the couch, the phone pressed to her cheek.

“Please,” she whispers, “you have to send someone out now! He found us and he’s at the door, yelling and beating on it.” 

She looks up as the yelling starts up again, this time accompanied by kicks to the door, and sees Loki. He hurries over to her as she beckons and she grabs him, kissing his head.

“Baby, go hide! Now!” she hisses. 

She doesn’t raise her voice, but she means business;, especially when his daddy is outside, yelling words he knows Loki’s not supposed to know.

Loki hurries down the hall in his elf pajamas, but instead of going into his room, he hides in the closet. He huddles behind a partially unpacked box and some of the big scratchy towels his mother got at the store. That the box smells like his mama’s flowery soap is all he has time to think about before he hears the bang of a door opening and his mama screaming.

Loki pulls Mr. Snuggles over his head, closing his eyes and covering his ears. He always hates this part. His daddy gets really loud and mean and hurts mama. 

If Loki’s not extra good and extra quiet when that happens, his daddy will take a belt to him. The last time, his daddy hit him with the buckle part and made him bleed. 

His daddy is not a nice man.

“Dammit bitch, where’s my boy?” 

Loki flinches at that, eyes popping open. He didn’t realize his daddy had moved down the hall.

“You can’t have him. The court said you can’t be near me and him and I already called the cops. You should leave before they get here.” 

He can hear his mama crying. She sounds funny, like the time her lip got really big and purple, just before they ran away. That really seems to get his daddy going, because he’s yelling again, and Loki can hear him throwing things. 

He hears his mama scream, but it sounds different this time, then there’s a really loud bang. It’s louder than the firecrackers the neighborhood boys set off at the 4 th of July. It’s so loud, it rings in his ears, but mama isn’t screaming anymore. All he can hear is daddy’s heavy breathing. He hears a thump like something dropping, then another loud bang and a heavier thump. 

Loki sits in the closet, still and quiet. He knows only good boys will get toys for Christmas and his mama told him he’s the best boy so he’s going to prove it. Even if he got scared and pottied in his jammies. Mama will fix it. She fixes everything. Because she’s his mama and it’s Christmas and Christmas is magic.

*********************

Anger

Loki is slow to follow his social worker, Ms. Richards, down the walkway. It’s not the first time he’s had to drag his things after her and it probably won’t be the last. It is the first time she’s had to pick him up so late before a holiday though. So, he supposes he can understand why she’s so pissed off.

It’s not even the first time he’s been to this house. It’s a brick single-story house that looked like the 1970s had thrown up on it. There is even a partially rusted swing set in the backyard. The house is probably as old as it’s owner, Mr. Lee.

Mr. Lee fosters kids.  _ A lot _ of kids. He said he’s probably fostered 30 or 40 kids in his time. But he doesn’t adopt them, otherwise, Loki would just ask if he could stay there. Mr. Lee says it’s because he wants them to all find loving parents. Loki knows it’s because the state won’t let him because he had a husband, not a wife.

The door is already opening when he reaches it and Mr. Lee is greeting Ms. Richards. He smiles down at Loki, but Loki doesn’t feel like smiling right now.

“Hey kiddo,” he says gently. “You know the way right?” 

Loki nods and starts off.

“There are two other boys staying here right now, so you get the room at the end.” 

Loki nods again, dragging his bag behind him. He doesn’t stay to listen to Ms. Richards say to be good or to hear her tell Mr. Lee what happened.

_ What happened, _ he thinks,  _ is that those Maximoff kids are total jerks _ . But he’s used to getting blamed for stuff he didn’t do.

He is mostly unpacked when Mr. Lee comes down the hall 30 minutes later, with a cheese sandwich and tomato soup. He sets them both on the dresser and sits on the floor next to Loki so they are both leaning on the bed.

“Wanna tell me what happened?” 

Loki just shrugs and picks at his socks, but as he’s sitting there, he can feel his head getting hot again and it just all comes out.

“Those Maximoff kids are just big jerks and bullies and I hate them! I hate the entire family! I couldn’t do anything right! I shared a room with Pietro, but he hated me because I had to share his room. And Wanda hated me because I had to share a room with Pietro. And I couldn’t have anything because anything I had they both wanted and they always said I was just greedy. And I could deal with that but then  _ they took Mr. Snuggles _ . He’s all I had left of mama.” 

Loki chokes back a sob before flinging his arms around his head and burying his face in his knees. He feels Mr. Lee rub his back and he finally lets himself go. 

“They ripped Mr. Snuggles apart and when I found him, they laughed and called me a crybaby for getting upset so I hit Pietro. Hard.” 

He sits up, still crying, his face flushed.

“I don’t really remember what happened after that, but Mr. Maximoff shut me in a closet and then called Ms. Richards to come get me.” 

Loki calms down after a few minutes, wiping his face with his sleeves. He moves away when the old man tries to embrace him.

“I just wanna go to bed and be alone now,” he breathes, climbing up onto the bed.

“Hey kiddo, we should talk about this,” Mr. Lee starts, but Loki gives him a baleful glance. 

“I’m really tired, Mr. Lee.”

Mr. Lee sighs. “Yeah kid, sure.” 

He creaks getting up, damning his old legs, and looks around at the room. It’s barely a room, more like an oversized, glorified closet, even with the small window. But he would make it work for this boy.

“You let me know if you need anything,” Mr. Lee mumbles, heading out the door. He shakes his head at the two other boys who peer out their bedroom doors. Loki would need a little time to compose himself before meeting Bruce and Clint. He’d have to make the best of Christmas tomorrow and get Loki a few extra things afterward.

In his room, Loki wipes his face with his bedsheets before tugging off his shoes. He doesn’t throw them, even if he wants to. He didn’t ever destroy anything in Mr. Lee’s home because Mr. Lee is the only person who cares about him. 

And that’s okay. Loki doesn’t have to give a damn about anyone else.

*********************

Bargaining

Loki sits in the back room of the bar, his head pillowed on his arms. He’s only halfway through his shift, but his feet say he can’t take another four hours. 

He sits up, sighing. Everyone has the same problem – the fishnets, the heels, the booty shorts, the tiny tops. Male, female, everyone in between – it doesn’t matter. 

It doesn’t even matter that it’s the height of the holiday season. The outfits are appropriately festive and garish. As “The Grandmaster,” En Dwi Gast’s main goal is to make sure his “guests” have the prettiest packages to look at during their sojourn in Sakaar and if you can’t suck it up, you’re out. 

Loki had been washing dishes in the back. He had only gotten the serving job when Gast threw out one of the others who dared to complain about the shoes. 

En Dwi Gast saw him as a quick, pretty replacement for the night. 

That was four months ago and Loki’s still being paid under the table, but he’s being paid a hell of a lot more than if he wasn’t wearing these shoes.

The door to the room bursts open and Topaz strides in. She’s dressed in her typical three-piece suit – one of the few exceptions to the Grandmaster’s gaudy dress code. All talking ceases as she surveys the room, looking at the other occupants before focusing on Loki. 

He gulps as she crooks her finger towards him and leaves the room. Loki scrambles after her, hearing the snickers behind him. He’d known the job was too good to be true, but he didn’t think he’d be let go until after Christmas at least.

Once in the hall, Topaz turns her glare on him. “The Grandmaster wants to see you in his office.  _ Now _ .” She informs him before starting down the hall. 

Loki only has a moment to register what she said before she turns around. 

“Are you coming or are you too good for this job?” she sneers.

Biting back a retort, Loki slaps on his most shark-like grin and follows her. They move deeper into the club, past the performers’ entrance, the main floor, and then, upstairs. 

He tries to figure out what the problem could be as he follows. Loki hadn’t missed a day of work since he’d been hired and he hadn’t complained about a shift. Maybe it was because he got caught by Topaz smoking in the back? That was a definite no-no for staff, but after threatening his job, he hadn’t done it again and Topaz hadn’t mentioned it. He hadn’t had to bum money off anyone in a few months and doesn’t think he’s causing any other issues.

He hasn’t deduced what the issue could be by the time they reach the office door, high in the building. Topaz opens it and motions him inside, closing it behind her as she slips in after him.

The office is huge with a bank of floor to ceiling windows overlooking the club floor. Small clusters of comfortable chairs and sofas dot the room, all leading to the raised desk at the back. Walking towards it, Loki notices the two front managers, Amora and Lorelai, on either side of the Grandmaster. 

Like Topaz, both were exceptions to the dress code – Lorelai in a dark blue slack combo that showed off her impressive back tattoo and Amora in a deep red dress with a cut in the thigh so high, she might as well have worn the booty shorts. Lorelai looks as bored as ever, but Amora smirks at him.

Topaz stops him a few feet before the desk. They all wait while The Grandmaster focuses on the tablet in front of him, muttering to himself. After a few minutes, Loki glances at Topaz who rolls her eyes and clears her throat.

“Just a minute,” The Grandmaster mutters, tapping a few more things. A cacophony of bells and applause sound and The Grandmaster looks up, grinning.  _ A new personal best!, _ intones from the device and jumping up, he does a little dance next to his desk before focusing on his visitors.

“Ah, yes, Topaz, you found him!” he declares, bouncing towards them.

“As I said before, he was in the break room.”

The Grandmaster takes Loki’s hands and walks backward, pulling him towards one of the sitting areas.

“You didn’t tell me how gorgeous his eyes are,” he declares. Loki looks back to see Lorelai shrug.

“It wasn’t his  _ eyes _ that got Thanos’ attention,” Amora titters.

Waving off her comment, The Grandmaster sits Loki down on a plush loveseat and sits next to him.

“Loki, Loki, Loki. My dear boy. How have I never noticed you before?” he says, looking Loki up and down. Before Loki can remind him he’d actually hired him, the Grandmaster continues.“It’s no wonder you caught my associate’s attention. He does have a liking for tall, slim, and dark-haired.” 

The Grandmaster briefly turns his attention back to Amora.

“Amora, be a dear and fetch us some sparkling water,” he requests, waving her off as he turns his attention back to Loki. 

Loki sees her scowl before Topaz turns her way, no doubt raising that dangerous eyebrow. With a barely concealed sneer on her face, Amora saunters out of the room.

“You see, normally, I pick out exactly who I want to be a companion to my associates and put them in a position to interact with one another. But you, my boy, have caught  _ all sorts _ of attention all on your own.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Lorelai adds. 

Loki swallows as the Grandmaster pouts and turns towards her. “Don’t you have something to do?”

She shrugs. “You told me to stay here until you find Loki. You’ve found Loki. Can I leave now?” 

Huffing, he dismisses her with a wave.

Focusing again on Loki, The Grandmaster smiles. “Now, as I was saying. Normally, I carefully vet anyone my associates want to get to know. But you kind of threw that for a loop. Like the ladies mentioned, Thanos is quite enamored with you and I can see why.” 

Amora comes back in with two crystal goblets of sparkling water and a bucket of smaller bottles of water on a tray. Loki moves to take the tray, but the Grandmaster motions for him to remain seated.

“Amora can serve it, then be on her way, can’t you dear?” he says, his attention still on Loki. 

Loki lowers his eyes just enough to see Amora frown, then watches as she deposits the tray and flounces out of the room. 

“But you see, kiddo,” Grandmaster continues handing Loki a water glass, “that’s where we have a bit of a situation, as it were. Since I didn’t get a chance to fully vet you, I had to scramble a little bit. I’ve been looking into things since your shift started today, and I, uh, discovered some, shall we say, interesting things.” 

He takes a drink as Loki freezes, the glass halfway to his lips. They were trying to find out about him. Loki puts the glass down, careful not to let it slip.

The Grandmaster nods. “You can imagine my surprise when I found out that not only are you not  _ officially, _ ” he even uses air quotes as he continues, “on the payroll, but you aren’t even legally allowed to be  _ in _ the club yet. That is  _ very _ distressing to me,” he adds, now looking morose.

Loki swallows, opens his mouth, closes it, and swallows again. He’d been afraid something like this could happen, but never really expected it to. He thought he covered things well enough by staying off the payroll, but it wasn’t enough. He knew it. 

It’s a good thing that things like this keep his mind racing at night. Loki puts on a pleasant face. 

“Well, Grandmaster, it appears,  _ as you said _ , we have a bit of a situation. But I have an idea that, if you agree to, will keep me in your employ  _ and _ keep all of us out of trouble.”

As he explains his plan, the Grandmaster grins slyly.

*********************

Depression

The chime of the elevator rings out and Loki glances from huge windows, looking towards the sound. He isn’t entirely surprised when Clint steps out. The counselor said they’d notified the last known contact on his emergency forms. Of course, Mr. Lee wouldn’t want anything to do with him. It had been at least six years since Loki last saw the man. It made sense that he wouldn’t want to see how far Loki had fallen. Taking another swig from the wine bottle in his hand, Loki turns his attention back to the window.

It’s a gorgeous view, even if the building isn’t the highest in the city. The condo is situated on the corner, so they get both southern and western exposure. Loki can see the park a block away. He loves looking at the trees there. In the spring, they bloom white and look like brides.

He takes another drink.

“Loki.” 

He doesn’t turn around; he simply smiles softly.

“Clint.” 

He can make out Clint’s reflection as he moves across the room. Loki hopes his own doesn’t show.

“I’m glad you kept Mr. Lee on some of your emergency paperwork.” Clint offers.

Loki scoffs. He’d actually forgotten about the forms and it was just luck that the counselor had found them at all. 

Along with Loki’s real birth certificate.

“Mr. Lee was really worried about you.” 

Clint trails off. Loki takes another drink. 

“He died two months ago. He wanted to see you.” 

Loki just drinks. 

“Dammit, Loki,” Clint stomps over, yanking the bottle out of his hand and forcing Loki to face him. He immediately pales. “Loki, what did they do to you?”

Loki doesn’t have any illusions about what he looks like. Getting caught up in a mob boss’s life with nowhere to go and no one to turn to has its own advantages and disadvantages. 

The beautifully appointed apartment, definitely an advantage. The AMEX black card with a ridiculous limit in his wallet - advantage. His wardrobe budget - advantage. The doors the money opens - huge advantage.

However, right now he’s an excellent illustration of the disadvantages: He’s sporting a broken nose, a rather purple and black bruise (with stitches) around his eye, and bruising around his mouth. It’s what happens when you talk back to Thanos.

Loki shrugs, moving away from the window, into the wreck of the living room. The once pristine space is covered in plaster, dust, bullet hole-ridden furniture, shattered vases, and destroyed artwork. The Christmas tree Loki had been working on is strewn across the floor in pieces. Ornaments and glass are all over. 

It’s okay though; his life is in pieces as well.

“Did you know,” he says, turning back towards Clint, “That the only reason they didn’t arrest me is that they had a video of him beating the shit out of me? I didn’t know that any of that had made it to the cops. I figured we’d  _ all _ go down in a blaze of glory, not just Thanos. But they had that video and then they found my real birth certificate. The one that says I’m 20, not 25.”

Loki turns again, almost falling down this time. Clint manages to catch him quick enough to steady him and help him to the sofa. Loki hums and smiles at him as best he can. Clint really looks at him this time.

“Lo, are you high or drunk right now?” he asks cautiously. Loki giggles.

“No, asshole,” he giggles again. Then he pauses, as though to really consider the question. 

“Well, kind of. I took all the oxy in the bathroom and was just going to polish off that bottle when you came in.” 

Everything lists to the side. Loki can hear Clint yelling his name, but nothing hurts anymore. It really doesn’t seem to matter what he feels. The numbness is nice.

*********************

Acceptance

“Okay, so you’ve got my number, you’ve got Natasha’s number, you’ve got Bruce’s number. Do you have Bucky’s number?”

“Yes, Clint,” Loki drones, following him down the hallway. He’s wearing an oversized green sweater and has Natasha’s cat, Liho, draped across his shoulder and Bucky’s cat, Alpine, cuddled in his arms.

Clint turns back towards him, pointing an accusing finger. “You let me and Nat go to Vegas last year without any way for you to get in touch,” Clint accuses. 

It was the first time Clint had left him for more than a weekend since he moved out of the apartment they shared. It had taken some time to convince Clint he would be okay, especially since Loki hadn’t really reconnected with Bruce yet and had just met Bucky. But Natasha really needed to spend time with Clint without a third wheel. 

Loki just grins.“Well, that was a different time then.” He smirks as Clint gives him the stink eye.

Clint looks over his bags again, then back. Loki can see the question before it’s asked and decides to intercept it.

“And besides, why would I want to come with you three  _ disgustingly _ happy couples.” 

He shudders with mock distaste, releasing Alpine. The cat chirps at him and prances off, Liho jumping down and right behind her. Loki chuckles as they wander off and sighs. Clint is still looking at him. Loki opens his arms and Clint immediately wraps him up in a hug.

“You know I don’t like leaving you alone this time of year,” his friend murmurs. 

Loki gives him an extra squeeze.“I know. But I’ve come a long way in the last few years. It will be good for both of us.” 

And it was true, he  _ had _ come a long way. After his suicide attempt, subsequent counseling, and court cases, Loki found renewed spirit in the letters Mr. Lee had left him. It had taken him a long time to understand that he never let the man down; as a matter of fact, Mr. Lee felt that  _ he _ let Loki down. It gave Loki the incentive to get his life in order: first getting his GED, then his associate’s and bachelor’s degrees. Having Clint and now, occasionally Bruce around helped. They were the brothers he never knew he needed and they didn’t let him forget that easily. Not anymore.

Letting each other go, Loki follows Clint to the door and holds it open while he drags his suitcase and backpack into the foyer of the building. As he turns to go downstairs, Clint smiles and glances back at Loki. 

“Hey, Thor!” he yells as he turns around, getting the attention of the large man coming up the stairs. 

Loki can only stare as the tallest, most barrel-chested blond he’s ever seen tromps up with a grin. 

“Clint, my friend,” the big blond calls back, wrapping Clint in a hug that lifts him off his feet. Loki had never thought of Clint as small, even if he was a few inches shorter. This giant easily dwarfs him. “Season’s Greetings!” the giant proclaims, putting Clint down. 

“Merry Christmas, Thor! Hey, can you do me a favor? My brother is cat-sitting for us while we’re out of town and I really would hate for him to spend the time alone.” 

Clint motions back to him and Loki just rolls his eyes. Typical Clint.

“Of course, Clint! I’d be honored to look in on your brother,” Thor booms. 

Loki gets the feeling he  _ booms _ a lot. Exasperated, he goes inside.

About an hour later, the doorbell rings. Not expecting anyone, Loki peers through the peephole and grins. Taking a deep breath, he fixes a neutral expression on his face and cracks the door open. 

Thor stands on the other side with a plate of cookies, beaming. “Hello, Loki,” he says in a less bombastic voice than before. “I wanted to introduce myself properly.” 

Bending down to catch Liho before she can escape, Loki opens the door all the way. “Well, Clint does insist on getting me to meet new people. I guess I can’t let him down.”

“That’s a good philosophy to have. Especially since I brought cookies.”

Loki chuckles as he closes the door. The evening is definitely looking up.

*********************

Joy

Loki takes another deep breath in front of the door, but before he can open it, he feels a hand on his back. He immediately turns into the hug Thor offers, taking comfort in his closeness. He feels his racing heart and chaotic thoughts begin to settle.

“You didn’t think I’d let you go in there alone, did you?” Thor rumbles, rubbing his back. 

Loki tilts his head to give him a kiss. “I thought you were in there already waiting for me.”

Thor hums, releasing his bear hug but retaining Loki’s hand. “I thought about going in, but I figured you may not follow on your own. Besides, if you didn’t want to stay, I didn’t want you to feel obligated to because I was already inside.”

He squeezes Loki’s hand. He’s giving Loki an easy escape if he needs one, letting him decide. 

Loki is incredibly grateful for the many hours of talking and therapy they’d both gone through when they decided to give their relationship a try. It gave him the confidence to know he could be in a relationship and deserved to be in a loving one -- this one, with Thor.

“It’s not that I don’t want to go in,” he says, “but I really feel like they all know I’m a fraud.” Saying it out loud, he realizes how ridiculous it sounds, but as Dr. Xavier told them, their feelings were valid and deserved to be acknowledged. 

Raising Loki’s hand to his lips, Thor kissed his fingertips. “We can take as long as you need. We can go in and stay all night, stay five minutes, or simply leave right now. I love our friends, but I adore you.” 

Loki can feel his face heating. It’s such a small thing, but it's one of the many small things about Thor he loves. 

_ This is what love is _ , Loki thinks. Love is someone being there when you feel small and fragile, without judgment. Love is a hug when you want to rage at the world, and sometimes, love is just being there while things fall apart. It’s celebrating the good, mourning the lost, and helping shape a future to look forward to. 

Loki turns back to the door. He can hear laughing on the other side. He imagines Clint peacocking for Natasha while telling their friends of his latest adventure from work. Bucky will be sitting in Steve’s lap, no matter how big and bulky the two of them get. Bruce and Tony will probably be at the kitchen counter, attempting to put together a gingerbread house. And when they go in, he knows he’ll be wrapped in Thor, like being in a blanket, sheltered from any storm. 

“Okay,” he smiles, tugging at their joined hands. “Let’s go wish them all a Merry Christmas and all that other sentimental crap.”

**Author's Note:**

> There are several abusive and harmful relationships referenced in this including murder/suicide, child abuse, domestic abuse by a partner, alcohol/drug abuse, attempted suicide (because the ultimate relationship is with yourself), and implied sexual slavery. None of these are graphically described, and there is a happy ending, but please take care of yourself and go back if it makes you uncomfortable.


End file.
